That Which Is Lost
by FanfictionVillainess
Summary: Ty Lee tries to figure out why Azula has no desire for a family with her. Azula/Ty Lee, oneshot.


**AN/TW: **Abortion, implied incest, _**this is dark**_. I think this can fit under T because nothing is near graphic, but it might lean towards M.

[X]

"I don't want to talk about it, and you have no right to insist," Azula snarls, her sharp fingernails digging into the mattress.

She and Ty Lee lie together, moonlight making patterns on their skin. Ty Lee has brought up the question of family for the thousandth time and Azula, instead of becoming more sympathetic, is gradually becoming more vicious and defensive. It confuses Ty Lee, fills her with bubbling, fizzling anger.

Ty Lee breathes a small sigh and decides not to prod Azula any further tonight. But they have been married for nearing six years, and all Ty Lee wants at this point is a little baby with shimmering golden eyes and dark, shiny hair.

Azula gets up, however, and leaves the room. Ty Lee ponders following her for a moment, but ultimately decides against it. Sometimes her outbursts require someone to hold her until it passes, and other times, she just needs to isolate herself.

In the morning, Azula is back in bed beside Ty Lee, sleeping peacefully. Ty Lee strokes her face and gently tucks her astray bangs behind her ear before getting up and walking to find Zuko. She needs outside help at this point to figure out why Azula is so strongly against a family.

Even if she does not want that with Ty Lee, which would hurt, she is a princess, and would likely want to have a child legible for the throne. It is exactly the kind of thing that Azula would want.

"Zuko," Ty Lee murmurs, knocking on his office door. He looks up, surprised to see her. She does not usually talk to him, although he does consider them to be friends. "Can I talk to you? It's about Azula."

"Yeah, sure, come in," Zuko says, suddenly looking concerned. He gets that face every time anyone is worried about Azula, and Ty Lee supposes that he has every right.

"Why doesn't she want to have babies with me?" Ty Lee asks bluntly, before Zuko can even ask her how she is doing. "It's a normal couple thing for couples to do. I see her watch Izumi, and the look in her eyes, and how well they get along. Why wouldn't she want one of her own?"

There is a deafening silence.

Zuko opens and closes his mouth, before managing to respond, "It probably has something to do with our father. I completely lost it when Mai told me she was pregnant, because I was so... scared of being like him."

Ty Lee scratches her arm and says softly, "But she isn't her father."

Zuko rubs his face. Ty Lee watches him slowly, and how his fingers linger on his scar. And then she thinks of the scar on his chest from Azula. With a small swallow, Ty Lee acknowledges that Azula has been compared to her father far more times than Zuko has been compared to Ozai.

"Maybe you should talk to her," Zuko offers and Ty Lee picks at her lower lip.

"I've _tried _talking to her," Ty Lee replies, trying not to roll her eyes. Zuko cocks an eyebrow. "Okay, I've _tried _begging her to have babies. Maybe... that's not, uh, how I should approach things." And at Ty Lee's revelation, Zuko nods.

Ty Lee finds Azula training beneath the sunlight. It sparkles and shines in her hair, caressing her body. She looks beautiful in the sunlight, so far from what she becomes in the shadows of the night, when Ty Lee has to pulled her out of her nightmares.

"I'm sorry for pestering you so much about, uh, babies," Ty Lee says, scratching her neck with her legs tightly pressed together.

Azula slowly exhales smoke and removes herself from her fighting posture. She swallows and turns to Ty Lee.

"I don't blame you. Seeing Izumi is enough to make someone want it. And don't you have like four nephews or something?" Azula is intentionally not making eye contact with Ty Lee, and she does not know what to make of it. "But we're not doing it."

Ty Lee has to wrestle with her tongue to keep silent. Finally, she exhales and loosens her limbs. "Azula, just because your parents sucked doesn't mean that you will."

"I think I would be an exemplary parent." She has an expression that would freeze lava. Ty Lee clenches her jaw in frustration. "But it's not happening, and stop asking. You can, by all means, go knock yourself up with one of your ex-boyfriends."

"So... you're afraid of pregnancy?" Ty Lee clearly said something wrong, because Azula burns a rather large tree to a crisp and walks away faster than lightning.

Ty Lee grumbles a few curses to herself and decides to investigate this further. She contemplates Ursa, but she doubts she has any idea and Ty Lee has no desire to make the journey and then explain herself to her wife. Mai might have some idea, but she will immediately tell Azula because she is the least trustworthy person who ever lived ─ more so even than... _Ozai_.

And that seals Ty Lee's thoughts. She decides she will go to the source of many of Azula's fears, and figure out just why her wife absolutely refuses to have a child.

[X]

She sits down at a table in the prison and finds it to be surprisingly nice. Once Azula was here for two weeks after losing it in the middle of a teahouse, but Ty Lee stayed hooked to her cell the entire time, not bothering with visitor's rooms.

"Circus whore, how nice to see you," is Ozai's comment as he is shackled to the table. Ty Lee holds her tongue, as difficult as that is for her.

"I'm here to talk to you about your daughter," Ty Lee says as firmly as she can. He is startled by the strength in her words. She always seemed weak to him, too weak for Azula. She made Azula weak.

"Yes?" He supposes this is more interesting than his day would have been without her showing up. Although, when he was told a Fire Nation princess was visiting, he was hoping for another.

"It's a bit... odd for me to discuss this with you," Ty Lee admits, tugging at her braid. _Now _she seems more like the wimp Ozai imagines her as. "We've been married for six years, and I see how she looks at Izumi, and I want a child with her. I would just do it to myself, but there's the whole aspect of the duty to the Fire Nation of producing at least one legitimate heir."

"The chance of Azula's child ruling the Fire Nation is slim to none," Ozai says with a sigh, although he _does _dislike the idea of his daughter raising a child that has no connection to his blood. "But continue, it is... right."

"She's scared, and Azula isn't scared of much," Ty Lee says softly.

Ozai pauses. "She's probably afraid she'll be like her mother. Zuko showed up a thousand times to visit me when that girl was pregnant."

Ty Lee squints at him for a moment.

"...no. That's not it," she says. She does not need Azula's skills of observation to tell he is withholding information. "She thinks you were a wonderful father, and she may hate her mother, but she would rather rip out her own fingernails than compare herself to Ursa. Why is she afraid, Ozai?"

He pauses, rubbing his chin. It would be best to insist that Azula was worried about being a bad parent, but he does think he knows.

Her screaming, screaming and screaming, breathing fire until she just choked and tore at his skin with her nails. His own panic when he thought she would die. He genuinely thought she would that night, when she slipped out of consciousness.

"Ask her about Spring 98 AG, the night she nearly died." And at that, Ozai gestures to be taken away, as he has no desire to play games with the circus whore any longer.

Ty Lee squints at him as he is taken away by guards who are far too respectful. The information is both useful and frustrating, and she wonders why she has to unravel an entire mystery in order to find out why her wife is too scared to start a family with her.

Ty Lee was fourteen... Azula and Mai were as well. That's all Ty Lee can really think of. It was after she ran away to join the circus. The night she nearly died is the scary part of the whole thing. Azula has many things in her past she refuses to talk about, even when she screams about them or hallucinates them.

This is likely one of them.

[X]

"Azula," Ty Lee mumbles as she combs her wife's hair out of its topknot, as she does every night. "Can I ask you something and you won't get angry and burn anything?"

"No promises," Azula replies airily.

"Tell me about Spring 98 AG, the night you nearly died."

She does not burn anything, but her fingernails make a disgusting sound as they dig into the base of the mirror.

"This is about your whole _start a family thing_," Azula snaps, standing up and not even reacting when a chunk of her hair is torn out by the golden brush. "That is _none _of your business."

"Azula..." Ty Lee sighs. She does not know why she tried to pursue this so far. "I'm going to be honest. I wouldn't usually go to these, y'know, lengths for things. I usually just let you do what you want... even if I don't want that. But this is really important to me. I always wanted children, or at least one."

Azula looks at her feet. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Why not?" Ty Lee snaps.

"Not by choice. I mean, I genuinely don't know if I _can_."

Realization across Ty Lee's face that makes Azula queasy.

Ty Lee whispers, "But that would be... that would be _bad_... you were the last of your line then."

"I know. Take it up with my father." Azula hesitates. Now her face flickers with realization. "He's the only one who could've told you that. Did you go see him? Behind my back? Are you that obsessed with this _family _thing that you would ─ you would..."

Ty Lee stares at her fingers and her cheeks flush ruddy with shame. "I didn't know it would... I just thought you were worried like Mai and Zuko were. I thought if I talked to him, maybe he would know what to say to make you less worried. Not that you weren't able to have... you could've told me and I wouldn't have minded."

"I don't actually know," Azula admits, sighing. She sits down and controls her breathing. She can feel the panic stirring in her and does not want it to escalate. She had imagined the blood even before she started being accompanied by regular hallucinations. "I don't know because I never received a proper medical evaluation, beyond, there might be internal scarring."

"What happened?" Ty Lee does not know if she wants to know.

Azula struggles. She does not talk about her past or her feelings or anything that would make her seem other than perfect. But she supposes it is time. She supposes she _has _to trust Ty Lee... she did marry her, after all.

"I got knocked up, my father did something stupid to try to get rid of it, I bled so much that I went through three bags of clothes trying to stem it. I was unconscious. He apologized, and it was one of his only genuine apologies, but I think it was only because he almost killed me and ruined his line permanently... perhaps he _did _ruin his line permanently," Azula breathes. "I kept... screaming for him to stop but he didn't. It's his fault."

The room is silent. Ty Lee does not know what to say to that.

Azula adds, "And I haven't bled since then, so I'm leaning on the side of me not having any children of my own. I suppose that's what happens when you hit your daughter's womb with lightning."

Ty Lee grimaces and then regrets showing a facial expression at all. It seems to only unnerve Azula further.

Azula just shrugs, regains her composure. Her face is cold again, she detaches herself from the emotions she feels towards that night in order to prevent them from affecting her.

"I'm going for a walk."

"It's raining..." But Azula is gone, and Ty Lee feels guilt washing over her.

[X]

_She thinks it will make him... love her._

_ He does love her, she supposes. If he did not love her, she would not be pregnant. Right?_

_ But the response is not what she expects. He looks afraid first as she chews on her lip and waits for his response. She does not know why she is so excited, but she is. She has been alone for so long, Zuko gone, mother gone, and now she will be less alone._

_ "You should lie down," Ozai says and Azula nods, obeying him more eagerly than she usually would._

_ She will not be alone anymore. He will love her. She has only sought his love, just like Zuko did, just like any person would._

_ After she lies down, thinking of her changing life, she does not predict what will happen next._

_ "No, no," screaming, and Ozai hates her screaming, but he knows what must be done. "No! No, stop, please, no...!"_

_ It hurts and Azula screams, and he is not sure if it is rage or pain. Electricity._

_ Dead. He killed it. _

_ And then she bleeds. Then she has a fever. _

_ Mistakes, so many mistakes._

[X]

Azula is soaking wet, cold and smells like leaves when she lies down beside Ty Lee, who is pretending to sleep. She could not sleep after what she caused. How could she?

"Azula," Ty Lee whispers, deciding to face her fears. "Azula." And she wraps the soaking, cold princess in her warm, dry arms. "Azula, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault you brought it up," Azula begrudgingly admits. She _wanted _it to be Ty Lee's fault. "I don't want people to dance around me like Zuko does. I'm not _that _fucked in the head."

"Azula, if you can't, I'll do it for you," Ty Lee whispers. "I guess this means we made a really good choice because I come from a long line of people who have more children than they can handle."

"I won't tolerate anything more than twins. So help me, if it goes beyond triplets, I will drown the extras," Azula says and Ty Lee laughs, sincerely hoping that was just a twisted joke. The princess hesitates and makes a small sound in the back of her throat. "I should also apologize for not... honesty has never been my friend... but you've been my friend for my whole life, despite how incredibly horrible I can be to be around. So I owe you honesty."

Ty Lee is stunned. She has never once received an apology for Azula in the course of their romantic relationship ─ or their friendship for that matter.

"And if we want it to be royal, I can always nail Zuko."

Azula chokes slightly. "Mmmmmm..."

Ty Lee just giggles and buries her face in Azula's shoulder.

"I can't pretend I know how you feel," Ty Lee says quietly and Azula realizes things are much more serious now. "I still love you no matter what, even if that's ridiculous. You've been through... you're the strongest, bravest, most beautiful, perfect sunfish I have ever met."

"...sunfish?" Azula narrows her eyes in confusion.

"Do you like it? It's a possible nickname?"

"It's terrible," Azula replies and Ty Lee shrugs.

"Worth a try." She caresses Azula gently. "All of those things made you stronger."

"They made me crazy."

"Sane is boring and not sexy at all."

Azula just shrugs. She holds Ty Lee to her and knows that not all of her luck has run out.

She is lucky enough to have someone just crazy enough to want her, scars and all.


End file.
